How to Remember Things Via Science: Book Series Edition

Hi, I’m Becca! I suffer from book series memory loss 😦

All book-bosomed buddies know the agony:

Book 1 releases. You read book 1. You love book 1!

One year later: Book 2 releases. You begin book 2. But then you realize:

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How the heavens are we, hard-working, worn out ‘lil bookworms expected to remember everything from book 1 when when read book 2? Or book 3 or book 4?

Well, my coconut-crusted chums, I’ll tell ya how with the help of my handy friend: SCIENCE!!!

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A Book Review of the Election of 2016

Once Upon a Time Kat ‘O Keefe blessed us with this little tweet:

Naturally, my mind began immediately converting this clever quip into a blog post. Wouldn’t it be funny, I thought. Wouldn’t it be neat if I portrayed my views on the Election of 2016 the same way I portray my views on books? Wouldn’t it be swell?

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Thus, I’m introducing my take on the Election of 2016…as if it were a book. In the same format as any ‘ol book review. 🙂

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Dancing With the Stars: Bookish Edition!

Dancing With the Stars! Cha Cha! Waltz! Jive!

NOW LET’S BOOKIFY IT!

I mean, haven’t you ever asked yourself: which bookish stars would be on DWTS? And who ever would their partners be?

Thank goodness my astoundingly intelligent and imaginative brain is here to answer such questions. You’re welcome.


Harry Potter & Allison Holker

After, you know, living, Harry’s got to do something else to keep his fame up.

Oh look! DWTS! How convenient!

And since poor Harry grew up without a mother, who better to partner with than the motherly Allison Holker!


Celaena Sardothien & Maksim Chmerkovskiy

While it might not be the safest idea to combine Maks’ temper and an actual assassin, it sure would make for good TV!

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Captain Thorne & Jenna Johnson

Well, well, well! Wouldn’t this be quite the humorous, youthful pair!

And after saving the world and all, I’m sure our favorite captain would love to test his flirting dancing skills.


Katniss Everdeen & Derek Hough

Our “cheery” Hunger Games champion would surely love to participate in a competition that doesn’t involve fighting to the death!

And there would certainly be some spicy entertainment watching Katniss attempt to maim Derek Hough while he continues to be the perfect gentleman. Spicy indeed.


Albus Dumbledore & Emma Slater

Dumbledore needs a break from all that headmaster-ing, doesn’t he?? And who better to help him through DWTS than Emma Slater! (a.k.a. the one who gets that one old guy every time)


Kestrel Trajan & Artem Chigvintsev

According to the blurb of The Winner’s Curse, Kestrel has two options: join the army or get married.

I. BEG. TO. DIFFER.

There’s also Dancing With the Stars! And there’s no one like the kind and noble Artem to tango with the sly and sweet Kestrel.


Apollo & Lindsay Arnold

Has Apollo got anything better to do than dance?

Well, since being forbidden from Mount Olympus and de-godded by Zeus, NO.

So it’d sure be fun to watch Apollo stare at himself in the mirror while Lindsay tries to actually teach him how to waltz!


Andie Walker & Sasha Faber

Sooner or later, our dear Andie’s going to have to do something other than walking dogs.

OH. I KNOW.

She can quick step right out of being the politician’s daughter and right into winning DWTS. And since poor Sasha has yet to win the mirror ball trophy, he needs a real competitive spirit to help him get there.


Mark Watney & Cheryl Burke

I mean, if you can survive on Mars, you can survive DWTS, right?

Humph. Well. Maybe with Cheryl Burke by your side!


America Singer & Gleb Savenchko

Perfect!

Now America can add Gleb to the list of men she can’t decide if she wants to marry and we can want to kill her EVEN MORE :))


Percy Jackson & Witney Carson

Sure, Percy can defeat the Titans and save Mount Olympus, but dancing?? Maybe not one of his talents…

Whether he wins or not, Witney’ll be sure that he has a jolly ‘ol time!


Princess Winter & Valentin Chmerkovisky

Princess Winter is…well…a bit…

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Val, however, is very much grounded in reality. And with Winter’s graceful princessness, they’ve got a sure chance for winning!


William Herondale & Sharna Burgress

William Snark + Sharna Snark = LOTS OF SCRUMPTIOUS SNARK

William Dancing + Sharna Dancing = LOTS OF SCRUMPTIOUS DANCING

Snark + Dancing = LOTS OF SCRUMPTIOUS TV

What Bookish DWTS partner are you rooting for? Are there any other famous bookish folks you can think of? And which REAL Dancing With the Stars team do you think will win the mirror ball trophy?

The Complete and Very Scientific Analysis of the Bookish Brain!

The brain of the bookish monster is a mysterious and dangerous force. But, the mighty ME has decided to take a step towards the betterment of mankind and analyze the bookish brain. HOW???

SCIENCE!

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Analysis of the Right Bookish Brain!

  • 18% Creating stupendous insults to be applied to book haters. The perks to avid readership are plentiful, but the very best is an incredible collection of imaginative insults! These insults can then be creamed in the faces of the nastiest book haters. Yahoo!

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  • 26% Re-decorating bookshelves into THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ART. Every bookworm is an artist. A bookshelf artist, specifically. From color codes to stacked constructions (definitely as architecturally significant as the Eiffel Tower and the Great Wall of China), beautiful bookshelves are not to be undermined.
  • 53% Trying to make everyone ever read their favorite book. There is nothing lonelier than devouring a magical and devilish darling tale ALL BY YOURSELF. Ergo, a bookworm spends much of their time endeavoring to convert friends to their most beloved book. This, chums, is far more difficult than it seems. It takes a talented tumbling of words to give an alluring synopsis and a great physical strength to slam books into people’s faces. LOTS OF CREATIVE PLANNING, MY FRIENDS.

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  • 167631% Relocating to their favorite bookish worlds. Reality is dumb. Books are not.

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Analysis of the Left Bookish Brain!

  • 21% Measuring how many more books they can buy before another bookshelf must be purchased. Lots of books = lots of bookshelves. If you’re a poor bookworm, it’s all good. Just use your bed, kitchen cabinets, bathtub, TV stand, BASICALLY EVERYTHING as a bookshelf.
  • 38% Tallying the number of pages they can sneak in between classes/through work. Reading is a grave commitment. Is there ever a suitable excuse for not reading? NO. Got school? Tough luck. 5 minutes between classes = 5 minutes of reading.

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  • 59% Calculating how much money they can spend on books. A.k.a. basically the only math a bookworm will ever use.
  • 4465384% Teaching other bookworms bookish tips and tricks. The book community is full of helpful buddies! There’s always logical and analytical posts floating around, helping chums to become better bookworms.

Did I accurately analyze your adorable little bookish brain? HA what a silly question of course I did it’s SCIENCE. But what else is swirling around in your right and left hemisphere?

 

 

The Reality of Life With Book Commitment Issues {Plus Step-by-Step Recovery}

{Disclaimer: This post is 89% satire, 24% Disney gifs, 5% seriousness and intelligence. Hahahaha just kidding. We’re all mad here.}

Hi, my name is Becca and I’ve been suffering from Book Commitment Issues (BCI) for ninety-eight years.

But I now know that I’m not alone. Readers across the world are pushing past this disorder, and we can too. But first, you must know if you’ve really got BCI. How can you tell? Not to worry chums, the questionnaire below will certainly shed some light on the subject.

  • Discover a beautiful novel at the bookstore, but decide to borrow it from the library rather than buy it, despite your overflowing wallet.
  • Take an eon or two before choosing which book to read after an enormous haul.
  • Wait until you’re halfway through a book before reluctantly listing it in your Goodreads’ Currently Reading pile.
  • Skim through the beginning of several books before deciding which one to dedicate your time to.

If you’ve done one or more of the actions listed above, I’m afraid to tell you, you’ve got BCI. But don’t panic! No panicking necessary! Just follow my step-by-step recovery below.



Congratulations! If you’re reading this post, you’ve already completed step one. You know you’ve got a problem—that you are currently powerless to BCI—and now you’re ready to punch that problem in the face.

Lightly.

Violence is not the answer.


Don’t let BCI control your bookish life! 

  1. Grab book.
  2. Right now.
  3. Open book.
  4. Read book.
  5. Ignore BCI.
  6. Finish book.
  7. Yay.

The road to recovery starts with one book, my friend.


Let’s think back to our questionnaire. It lists all the symptoms of BCI, and so, we must erase them. Once the symptoms are gone, the disorder is gone. I think.

  • Go out to a bookstore and buy that book you want. No borrowing. Spend your money! It’s fun!
  • Grab a book from your book haul pile, and read it RIGHT FREAKIN’ NOW.
  • As soon as you start a book, list it on Goodreads. Commitment is key.
  • Start a book, then finish it. Read or do not read, there is no skimming.


You’ve done it! You’ve defeated BCI! And, uh, if you haven’t…um…

Do you suffer from BCI? Not after this post, I hope! Though this post is entirely satirical, ‘Book Commitment Issues’ are still soooooo annoying. How to you cope with it and/or cure it? 
Also, which Disney gif is your favorite? I simply can’t decide.

Any other readerly problems you’d like me *pats back* to cure?

    YA Book Workout (Bookish Brain + Bookish Biceps = UNSTOPPABLE FORCE)

    Let’s have a little talk about bookworms.

    Superhuman reading powers? We’ve always had ’em.

    Finger and hand strength from holding up hardcovers for HOURS? Yup. 

    But other than that, many of us don’t get much excercie. Nothing to be ashamed of, since excercie is stupid and sweaty and reading and lots of food is much better.

    NOT TO FEAR MY BOOKISH FRIENDS! I found a handy solution: YA Book Workouts!

    Basically, you can read and gain abs AT THE SAME TIME. Is this not the best thing?? Are you super duper intrigued?? Then, please chums, see below. 🙂

    • No way! Main character female? And white? I’m stunned! 10 squats
    • OMG! Main character is different? So special? OMG! Who knew?? 20 jumping jacks
    • Aww boy who loveth her! 30 second plank 
    • Loveth boy’s eyes are described! (Spoiler: THEY ARE BLUE AND DREAMY) 10 sit-ups
    • Parents dead, of course. How else would main character have such maturity and independence? 30 second wall-sit
    • REVOLUTION:D 15 crunches
    • OMG!! Another boy loveth main character?! How will she choooooose??? 15 bicycles 
    • Main character chooses. (Spoiler: it’s loveth boy #1) 10 lunges
    • Main character saves the world! Everyone is super surprised! Except every reader! Literally no reader is surprised! 15 push-ups

    Now go forth, my children. Pick up a YA book and try it. Go ahead. You’d be amazed at the muscles you’ll gain just by reading!

    Have you got more brains or biceps? You’ve got both now, right? What are your favorite/most hated YA tropes? Favorite exercises? Chat away, chums!

    Snapchat Filters + Book Covers = My Worst Idea Ever

    This post will be a horrific waste of time.

    Why lie, you know? It’s going to be ridiculous and atrocious. It might maybe possibly make you laugh. Out of pity. 

    STOP READING THIS. Watch Gilmore Girls. Count peanuts. Give your Basset Hound a manicure.

    Okay, for those of you incredibly stupid heathens still tagging along (for the sake of procrastination, I assume) here you go. Cringe away:


    BUT THIS PERFECTLY DESCRIBES THE BOOK.

    The (new and frightening) cover can be interpreted manyyyyy ways, just like the book:

    1. Girl is hiding the fact that she’s a unicorn.
    2. Book is making fun of girl for her anxiety by calling her a unicorn.
    3. Rainbow upchuck is fun!


    Yes, that’s good. Cover that bloody nose right up. Because ew.


    This is actually ingenious because:

    1. Celaena is cover girl and Celaena slays
    2. Celaena is slaying queen 
    3. Queen Celaena


    When in doubt,  have a snapchat double-selfie with yourself!! Best cure for loneliness! Guaranteed!

    Thanks for wasting your time with ME, chums! I so very much appreciate it!

    On a scale from 1 to bookish face-swapping, how would you rate your pain/horror while reading this post? Which filter scared you the least? And show me your disgusting beautiful snapchatted book covers in the comments!

    Bookish Conversation Starters For the Bookishly Challenged

    Here’s how friendship works in the bookish world:

    You read books.

    I read books. 

    LET’S BE FRIENDS.

    It’s a trick sort of logic but it works. Now, if you happened to be born without the literary gene, befriending a bookworm may turn out to be particularly tricky. Fret not, chums. I’ve got you covered.

     

    • How does one read?
    • Can you recommend any books for people into insert interest here?
    • Oh my gosh! That book cover is so pretty! If you were to design a book cover what would it look like?
    • I love that bracelet! What book inspired it? Did you make it?
    • I break the spines of all the books I read. (This will get a conversation going, but certainly not a friendship)
    • Do you like writing?
    • Oh, what’s NaNoWriMo? Can I join?
    • Do you want some bookish candy? (The answer is yes. Do not even ask this question. It’s redundant)
    • So what couples do you ship the most?
    • What do you want for your birthday? (GUESS WHAT IT IS BOOKS)
    • Where do you get all your bookish merchandise?
    • Can you recommend me a monthly bookish subscription box?
    • What are your bookish role models?
    • What book got you into reading? WAS YOUR LIFE EVER THE SAME? (Nope. The answer is nope.)
    • Wow, so what are your favorite booktubers and book bloggers?
    • Hey, should I check out Becca and Books? (Ahem. Yes.)

    I hope that helped, my lovely little book-virgins. Ask me any of the questions above, let’s get the conversation flowing! 

      Bookish Characters for President! (We Make Fun of Donald Trump a Lot)

        

        

       Hillary Clinton → Lia from The Naturals.

      Hillary Clinton’s track record? Not exactly perfect with the cell phones and emails and the etc. So the whole honesty thing? Not her best feature. Ergo, the bookish character to take her place would be Lia from The Naturals, our favorite pathological liar. With her liberal views and her loyalty, those two are practically twins!

        
      Bernie Sanders → Dumbledore from the Harry Potter books.

      THE TWO ARE BASICALLY THE SAME.

      Bernie? Let’s fix the world (or at least America)! Dumbledore? Let’s fix the world and stop Voldemort! See any difference? Neither do I. 

      There’s even a Name that Quote: Bernie or Dumbledore Edition. That’s how hard it is to tell them apart. They are the same persons. Just slap a beard on Sanders.

        

        
      Jeb Bush → Adam from Shatter Me.

      Nobody loves Adam. Nobody truly hates him either. He’s boring. He’s low energy. He doesn’t quite excite.

      Ahem. Sound familiar? 

        
      Ted Cruz → Matthew from Anne of Green Gables.

      Do they have anything in common? Hardly. BUT. They were both born in Canada.

      So.

      Ha.

        
      Marco Rubio → Frank from Since You’ve Been Gone.

      What’s the first word that comes to mind when you think of Marco Rubio? Pristine-debater-dad-person. Obviously. What’s the first word that comes to mind when you think of Frank? Pristine-debater-person. Close enough.

      Also, I thought it would be hilarious to see a Presidential candidate next to a fluffy book cover with tumblr girls. So there’s that.

        
      Donald Trump → Donald Trump.

      There is no one like this man, fictional or not. Thank Goodness.

      It’s the puncutation that gets me.

       

      Ok but tbh me as a presidential candidate.
       

      What political-bookish relations currently full your satirical little mind? Who are you voting for? 

      The Way to a Raging Reader’s Heart 

      There are many ways into a bookworm’s obsessive, fangirling little heart. 112% include books. Who would’ve guessed!

      There are also things you should never do. These things will cause books to be hurdled at your face. There is a 113% chance that if you do these things you will never go on a date with any reader. Sorry.

      Aren’t you glad I’m here to help.

       

      •  Flowers are pathetic. They wilt. They die. But books? As long as you keep them away from heathens, they last forever. Forever. Ergo, give your one true reading love a bouquet of books. I don’t just mean a bunch of books smashed into a gift bag. I mean a bouquet. One arranged and skillfully wrapped, preferably adorned with boxes of chocolates.
      • This is simple, but CRUCIAL: Read their favorite book. It doesn’t matter if you hate it, (But I mean if you actually want to go out with then you’re going to have to fake it) you just have to read it. This might seem meaningless to you, but the ability to discuss fangirl and flail with another will seem monumental to them.
      • A reader’s life is very busy. Firstly, they’ve got actual life which is tremendously inconvenient. Secondly, they’ve got so many books flooding their shelves, many of them yet to be read. Here’s the thing about those shelves—dust happens. No matter how often the said reader goes and reads those books or rearranges those shelves, dust triumphs. Solution? Become a bookshelf-dusting slave. If you’re on a roll you can clean their bathrooms too.
      • And finally, buy them a used bookstore. This might seem a little excessive. It is. But if you’re truly rich in love with this reader of yours, then this is a lovely gesture for Valentine’s Day. Or Christmas. Or their birthday. Or Groundhog’s Day. 

        

      • A reader’s mind revolves around books. That’s sort of the point. Because of this, they have many outlandish bookish ideas, such as a bouquet of book. What should you do? Accept this. Bookworm’s are crazy. We are aware of this. Do not scorn their bookish ideas. Do not mock them. Do not even playfully tease them. Reader’s are skilled at revenge. I say this for your own safety.
      • It doesn’t matter if it’s a priceless book or just from the library, don’t ever damage any book ever. Okay, accidents happen. I may have gotten a little Nutella on some pages once. But never carelessly throw around books like they’re meaningless. Someone spent years to create that masterpiece, and the least you can do is respect it.
      • Dusting books for a reader is great! But do not move a single book. Do not, under any circumstances, reorganize their bookshelf. That’s like reorganizing their brain. Or their heart. Or their large intensitie. It’s painful and unnecessary and DON’T DO IT.
      • 89% of what a reader does revolves around books. So don’t be an idiot and not not take them to a bookstore as a date. Sure, a movie might seem like fun for you. Truth be told, it’ll probably be fine for the reader as well. But a bookstore? That’s magic. 

      Look at that! You have all you need in order to woo the reader in your life, and just in time for Valentine’s Day. You’re welcome.

      Are you a reader or have you/are you dating one? Are my lists 114% accurate. (Of course they are. Don’t be ridiculous.)